On becoming the person I want to be

For years, I knew I wasn’t doing the work I was put on this earth to do.

I was going GOOD work, yes.

But when I thought about whether I’d feel complete if my time here was done, I was instantly filled with fear and a sense of frustration.

I knew deep down in my soul that there was still so much for me to do here, and the idea that I wouldn’t get to do it was excruciating - but I also thought that was totally, completely NORMAL.

I mean, it’s pretty unlikely that I would ever have time to do everything that I want to do, and that existential dread was something that I honestly expected to carry with me my entire life.

See, the thing is, I thought I’d continue to judge myself by all the DOING, all the way up until my death.

Did I write the book? (And the 2nd and 3rd and 4th)

Did I buy the house and make the money and set up the financial legacy?

Did I create the body of work that would live on after my death, that was prolific and powerful enough to last through time?

Did I see all the places and have all the relationships and the adventures and the experiences that I’d ever want to have?

Did I DO all the things?

And I knew the answer would always be no.

So why would I ever think that this feeling would go away?

But recently, an interesting thing happened to me…

It did.

I can say honestly now that if I were to get hit by a bus as I walk out the door today, I would feel satisfied by what I did on this earth.

So what changed?

I still haven’t written the book.

I haven’t set up the financial legacy I’d desire.

There is still so much I know I want to say and do.

And I sure as hell haven’t seen everything and done everything I desire to do on this earth before I go.

But interestingly enough, it doesn’t seem to matter as much anymore.

I haven’t done all the things I desire to do, yes

But in the last year, I’ve started to become the person I always wanted to be.

I’ve stepped into my legacy-level work, and I’ve also made brave leaps toward the life and home that I’ve always dreamed of — and those things fulfilled something inside of me that has put my soul at rest, even though there is so much left to do.

I’ve come to believe that what I always thought was wrong.

It’s not about doing all the things that I was called to do here on this earth.

It’s about being the person who would do those things.

It’s about living my life, in the biggest and smallest of moments, as the person who is already doing and has done all of those things.

As if it was always meant to be.

As if it was already done.

As if it doesn’t even matter if there’s time to actually do all of the things I desire to do…

Because it doesn’t.

I’m living my life each day, fully embodied as the person who is aligned and true to my values.

The doing is just a bonus.

The being, it turns out, is my legacy.

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On Denying Myself Happiness

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Slowing Down is Healing